Ecclesiastes
by The Shadow Smile
Summary: Harry is about to start his sixth year at Hogwarts. He looks back at the previews events from his first to fifth year and questions life itself


"Ecclesiastes"  
  
I feel so numb. So empty. So out of life. So useless.  
  
Yet, the great irony of it all, despite my current state is that, I'm still capable of moving and breathing -I am breathing right now, and blankly staring at practically nothing in particular.  
  
Both my mother and father died by the hands of the darkest wizard, causing for me to be left alone with the Dursleys' mercy and care, living the life of a male version of Cinderella.  
  
Voldemort. How I despise him.  
  
I've met such good people when I began schooling at Hogwarts, who eventually became the closest people to me, my dear friends. There aren't too many of them, but still, it was because of them that I learned how it is to really love and to be loved. I'd risk my life for them in a heart beat.  
  
But tell me, what do I have to show for it?  
  
After a decade or so, they would have to leave and settle for their own lives to live and build up their future, and then I'll be left alone all over again.  
  
Or so I thought.  
  
I didn't know I had one, but my Godfather entered my life during my third year, you see, and what he promised me was probably the best thing I've ever heard in all my thirteen years of life back then ; Home. He had no idea how much I cherished that moment when he said those words, how I eagerly waited for that time when his name will finally be cleared and how I craved to actually see it happening.  
  
He even gave me a firebolt as a replacement for my old broom in my fourth year.  
  
My Nimbus Two Thousand.. I felt like I've lost a friend during that stormy day at the Quidditch field. Thanks to Sirius, it was replaced.  
  
But I ask you, what do I have to show for it?  
  
Eventually, it'll have to break anyway, so what's the use of feeling sad for the loss?  
  
Just when I thought that being "the boy who lived" was the most difficult task in the wizarding world, being hunted by the most loathsome living creature and all, well, that belief was sort of proven wrong in a very excruciating manner.  
  
I was chosen as champion to represent my school in the Triwizard tournament you see, and as well as Cedrig Diggory. The bad thing was, he died and it was my fault.  
  
And as if that wasn't enough, the death of my Godfather during my fifth year was also, in some angle, turned out to be my fault too, you know.  
  
But I tell you, I have nothing to show for it.  
  
All of us had to die someday at some point in our lives. No one can escape it. Everyone is born with the perfect soft skin of an infant only to grow elderly with dried wrinkled face and to decay.  
  
Back at the Dursleys, I gave it a second thought and asked myself ; Why did I even bother feeling awfully guilty for those deaths? It's not like they won't die in the future anyway, so why waste time still?  
  
I can't understand God's ways. Why did he have to place such an utterly miserable fate upon us humans? Letting us have some of the things that we desire and then force us to let it go in a blink of an eye?  
  
Sure, Sirius would have been alive, Cedric would have been alive, my mother and father would have been here with me. But that doesn't change the fact that they will be gone someday.  
  
I am a great wizard. Famous, intelligent, brave, a hero.  
  
But I have nothing to show for it.  
  
All living creature in this universe, be it dumb, a smart ass, a fool, or a practical person makes no difference at all. All will be judged alike and all will have to face death sooner or later.  
  
And here I am, waiting for another day to pass, staring out of my window, wondering why I never get tired of doing the same thing.  
  
At the end of the holidays, I'll be riding the train back to Hogwarts to start my sixth year, do good in my studies as usual and cope up with the events of last year. Like always.  
  
And for what reason? Nothing really, it's just that I have no other choice, given that I'm still alive, but to live up before I die. Do the best I can and let it all go once my body ceases to function. As if I wasn't forced to do the same during my previous life and as if I wouldn't be forced to do so in my next.  
  
Yes, do the best I can and chase the wind, like the foolish person the genius Harry potter apparently shouldn't be.  
  
Life can be so fucking useless when you need it.  
  
* * *  
  
Important Reminder : It's not what happens before or after life that counts, but what's in this life.  
  
* * *  
  
Disclaimer : The title was from "Ecclesiastes". It's not mine. Don't know about it? Read the bible. Harry Potter belongs to J.K.R.  
  
Author's Note : We were supposed to record our voices while reading the first three chapters of "Ecclesiastes" in a cassette tape as project for Speech. I read it and felt quite disturbed with philosopher's perspective about how useless life is, and yes, I don't agree with him either. Though, he's got a point and the writing was very detailed and well explained, and I just felt that Harry would probably think the same when the time comes where he just can't take things no more. -if that didn't happen in the ending of OOTP yet.  
  
It's the way I saw things occur to Harry and I just don't think he never ever questioned things like life itself after all that's happened.  
  
To those who care to know, no, I didn't manage to submit my tape. T-T and this fanfic is based only on the first chapter of Ecclesiastes itself.  
  
Well should I continue? You guys tell! 


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